Hot-tempered and impatient, they are ready to explode at any moment. Even if you do not provoke them once again, they still find a reason to scream. Relationships with such people are like life on a volcano. Who are the "rage addicts", what motivates them and how to survive under the pressure of their rage?
At the first meeting, Sonya's future husband gave the impression of a charismatic and successful person. For eight months of courtship, he conquered her with care. However, on the very first night of the honeymoon, he made a monstrous scene at the hotel. Sonya just asked her husband to give her a map of the city. He growled, "No!" - and began to destroy the furniture in the hotel room.
“I froze in place. He announced that he was going to divorce me and went to bed. I didn't sleep all night, trying to figure out what to do now and to what extent this behavior fits into the norm, ”recalls Sonya.
The next morning Sonya stood outside the hotel and waited for a taxi to the airport. She decided that marriage was over. The husband came up, smiling dazzlingly, called the incident an unsuccessful joke and asked "not to do stupid things."
And a week later everything happened again ... Their marriage lasted five years. All this time Sonya walked around her husband on tiptoe, fearing his anger. He did not raise a hand against her, but in fact subordinated her life to his whims. After becoming a client of a psychotherapist, she learned that she had married an "anger addict."
We all experience rage from time to time. But unlike most people, these people need to feed their anger on a regular basis. The cycle of their dependence presupposes relaxation, whether there is a reason for it or not. In this way, they satisfy internal needs, which often have nothing to do with the situation that caused the outburst.
During a flash of rage, adrenaline is released into the blood. This hormone energizes us and dulls pain. The pleasure of the adrenaline rush is about the same both during a skydive and in a state of righteous anger. A person voluntarily falls into it in order to relieve tension or get rid of sad thoughts. As a rule, having ripped off anger, he feels great, while his victims are completely crushed.
Rage addicts value this emotion for more than just adrenaline. This is a method available to them to manage the situation and resolve conflicts when they only mature (the best defense against domestic discontent is attack). In addition, they know very well that their disposition scares loved ones and allows them to be kept on a short leash.
“Anger is the oldest emotion that does not require any rational basis. It's easy to succumb to its temptation because it simplifies reality and gives a sense of power, ”explains the founder of anger management courses Ivan Tyrell.
It is known that this emotion is more characteristic of men: it is they who are more likely to break down on loved ones. One of the key differences between the sexes is that women subtly distinguish shades of feelings, while men perceive them in contrast and appear in their eyes as either winners or losers. It also makes it harder for them to admit that they are scared or upset.
It's not just those who are possessed by anger addiction. Psychologist John Gottman says that although the brawlers' companions complain about their monstrous disposition, they fondly recall moments of reconciliation, which cannot happen without scandals.
“The link between love and violence is still poorly understood. Animals that are trained with the carrot-and-stick method tend to be more attached to their masters than those that are well-treated. Unfortunately, many couples left not far from them, ”he says.
Psychotherapist Gal Lindenfield emphasizes that it is very important to get to know the candidate's environment before getting married: “Find out what his relationship is with siblings, parents and friends. If they, even with a grin, hint that they have repeatedly suffered from the unbearable character and explosive temperament of your fiancé, it is worth considering. You are unlikely to be an exception. "
What if you can't break up with the anger addict?
Psychiatrist and author of Emotional Freedom, Judith Orloff, offers some advice.
At the first meeting, Sonya's future husband gave the impression of a charismatic and successful person. For eight months of courtship, he conquered her with care. However, on the very first night of the honeymoon, he made a monstrous scene at the hotel. Sonya just asked her husband to give her a map of the city. He growled, "No!" - and began to destroy the furniture in the hotel room.
“I froze in place. He announced that he was going to divorce me and went to bed. I didn't sleep all night, trying to figure out what to do now and to what extent this behavior fits into the norm, ”recalls Sonya.
The next morning Sonya stood outside the hotel and waited for a taxi to the airport. She decided that marriage was over. The husband came up, smiling dazzlingly, called the incident an unsuccessful joke and asked "not to do stupid things."
And a week later everything happened again ... Their marriage lasted five years. All this time Sonya walked around her husband on tiptoe, fearing his anger. He did not raise a hand against her, but in fact subordinated her life to his whims. After becoming a client of a psychotherapist, she learned that she had married an "anger addict."
We all experience rage from time to time. But unlike most people, these people need to feed their anger on a regular basis. The cycle of their dependence presupposes relaxation, whether there is a reason for it or not. In this way, they satisfy internal needs, which often have nothing to do with the situation that caused the outburst.
How does anger cause physical addiction?
During a flash of rage, adrenaline is released into the blood. This hormone energizes us and dulls pain. The pleasure of the adrenaline rush is about the same both during a skydive and in a state of righteous anger. A person voluntarily falls into it in order to relieve tension or get rid of sad thoughts. As a rule, having ripped off anger, he feels great, while his victims are completely crushed.
Rage addicts value this emotion for more than just adrenaline. This is a method available to them to manage the situation and resolve conflicts when they only mature (the best defense against domestic discontent is attack). In addition, they know very well that their disposition scares loved ones and allows them to be kept on a short leash.
“Anger is the oldest emotion that does not require any rational basis. It's easy to succumb to its temptation because it simplifies reality and gives a sense of power, ”explains the founder of anger management courses Ivan Tyrell.
It is known that this emotion is more characteristic of men: it is they who are more likely to break down on loved ones. One of the key differences between the sexes is that women subtly distinguish shades of feelings, while men perceive them in contrast and appear in their eyes as either winners or losers. It also makes it harder for them to admit that they are scared or upset.
It's not just those who are possessed by anger addiction. Psychologist John Gottman says that although the brawlers' companions complain about their monstrous disposition, they fondly recall moments of reconciliation, which cannot happen without scandals.
“The link between love and violence is still poorly understood. Animals that are trained with the carrot-and-stick method tend to be more attached to their masters than those that are well-treated. Unfortunately, many couples left not far from them, ”he says.
Psychotherapist Gal Lindenfield emphasizes that it is very important to get to know the candidate's environment before getting married: “Find out what his relationship is with siblings, parents and friends. If they, even with a grin, hint that they have repeatedly suffered from the unbearable character and explosive temperament of your fiancé, it is worth considering. You are unlikely to be an exception. "
What if you can't break up with the anger addict?
Psychiatrist and author of Emotional Freedom, Judith Orloff, offers some advice.
- Suppress the first reaction to aggression. Count to ten. Focus on your breathing, not the abuser.
- Don't argue or make excuses. Imagine that a wave of anger passes by you without touching you in the least.
- Admit that the abuser is “right”. “Yes, I understand how you feel. I also have similar emotions. I just express them a little differently. Let's talk, ”- such phrases are disarming.
- Set boundaries. A confident tone is important: "I love you, but I will not answer your claims while you communicate in a raised voice."
