To begin with, this article is intended for everyone who has any emotional disorders (neuroses, depression, addictions), emotional restraint, psychosomatic symptoms. And also for those who in their lives are inclined to actively rationalize and intellectualize the events that are taking place (that is, for hypercontrollers). That is, it is dedicated to those who have an excess of emotional negativity in their lives.
Further. I will continue by clarifying what will NOT be in this article. There will be no hackneyed stamps in it. Postulates about how wonderful he treats himself positively. About the fact that it is important to love yourself. And "powerful" attitudes that praise is a way to increase your self-esteem. That is, I propose to move away from populism.
I suggest following the "Why - How" logic in this article.
What is praise as a positive reinforcement.
This is a way to express a positive attitude towards yourself. Again. Praising is the only way to reinforce any of your behaviors as a habit. That is, for a long time. This is the main answer to the question "why do you need to praise yourself."
Let's say you have an excess of anxiety and are learning to stop it. You need praise (read - positive reinforcement) every time you remove your inner sense of uncertainty (and not just wait for the anxiety to pass).
Or you're learning how to build boundaries in relationships - you need praise every time you implement an effective model of interaction with your partner.
Or you are boosting your self-esteem. You need praise every time you focus on your capabilities instead of mechanically comparing yourself to those around you.
And even about changing habits in case of addictive behavior, I generally keep quiet - there is a need for praise on a regular basis (with each overcoming of an impulsive craving for the subject of my addiction).
How to praise yourself.
Step 1. Nobody praises themselves for something out of the ordinary. Praise themselves for routine activities. Let me explain. Unusual events in our life are 1% of all life events. This is what we call change. Change is always accompanied by a gamut of emotions and feelings. If these are positive changes (and we are talking about them in the context of the current article), then they are accompanied by a range of positive feelings. That is, your psyche ALREADY positively reinforces your behavior.
That is, praising yourself the first time you ride a bike, swim or speak a foreign language is to a certain extent a waste of time. Since you are already covered by a wave of positive.
But praise yourself when:
- you get something through a stump-deck
- when you get the first step (and after it there are 9 more steps-actions)
- when you have done something effectively, but objectively the situation has not changed at all (since many more repetitions of effective behavior are required) or has changed quite a bit
This is an ART.
Step 2. Reflection. The most important thing about praise is that it FOCUSES on some achievement. That is, you formulate what you have done. You snatch your key actions from a certain routine. You focus on your own successful behavior strategies.
How you praise yourself is also important. But - this is secondary in comparison with the fact that you are tracking an effective strategy of behavior.
Examples of NOT praise:
I am well done that I have coped with the problem. I am clever that I did not become offended. What a fine fellow I am, how cool I turned out to refuse (to someone).
In the above examples, I suggest you track and remember 3 basic ENEMIES OF PRAISE:
1) generalizations. Words such as: problem, difficulty, obstacle, bad, suffering, coped and other emphasis on what you removed or overcame, ONLY DRAW YOU away from the real object of your praise. Your job is to concentrate on what you were doing.
2) negative language. I didn’t take offense. I didn’t sit there feeling powerless. I didn't compare myself to anyone else. I didn't continue to think about suicide. All of these any other similar formulations with the “not” particle concentrate and reinforce what is conditional negative for you. Therefore, once again, your task is to concentrate on what you have done.
3) an emphasis on emotional reinforcement, and not on the awareness of one's own effective strategy of behavior. Praise should start and 80% of your attention should be devoted to exactly WHAT you did effectively, correctly, successfully or adequately to the situation.
That is, praise focuses on:
- What I've done
- How exactly did I do it
Step 3. emotional epithets addressed to you.
Everything will be simple here. The main thing to remember is that the emotional part of the reinforcement can be anything, the main thing is that it resonates for you personally. That is, NEVER use any universal stamps. They are short-lived. Place emphasis on:
What am I. You can use any epithets that resonate within you. Which make you happy, cheer you up, or you just like it. That is, you take the pronoun "I" and attach it to who you are.
"Clever", "well done", "handsome", "goddess", "genius", "cunning", "master of his craft", etc.
As it was for me. You can use any metaphor for HOW you got what you got. Take a pronoun like "I've had it" and add whatever metaphor you like.
“Lovely”, “epic”, “cool”, “amazing”, “effective”, “cute”, “right”, etc.
What am I worthy. This variation is ideal for those who are self-critical of themselves and tend to engage in self-flagellation. The emphasis is on what you deserve through your behavior. Take the pronoun "I" and add what you deserve:
Praise, admiration, approval, pride, encouragement, etc.
Once again. The task of emotional epithets is YOU LIKE.
