Walk along the playground, go to school or appear at a child's birthday party, and you can be absolutely sure that you will hear “Well done!” Repeatedly. Even very little ones, when they clap their hands, are praised ("Well done! You clap well"). Many of us say to our children "Well done!" so many times that it can already be considered a parasite word.
Many books and articles have been written about the need to be against violence and to refuse punishment, from flogging, from isolation ("time-out"). Sometimes there will even be those who ask us to think again before using stickers and delicious food as bribery. And you will also see how difficult it is to find those who can say a word against what is decency called positive reinforcement.
To avoid misunderstandings, let's immediately decide that the article in no way questions the importance of supporting and approving children, the need to love them, hug them and help them gain good self-esteem. Praise, however, is a completely different story. That's why.
1. Manipulation of children.
Suppose you praise a 2 year old for not spilling soup, or a 5 year old for taking away his arts. Who will benefit from this? Perhaps the word "Well done!" more about our convenience than about the emotional needs of children?
Rheta DeVries, professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, calls this "sweetened control." Is very similar. Notable rewards, like punishment, are a way to make sure children live up to our expectations. This tactic can be effective in achieving a specific outcome (at least temporarily), but it is very different from working with children, (for example, by engaging them in a conversation about what makes class (or family) responsibilities easier), or about how other people are suffering from what we did or what we didn't. ”The latter approach is not only more respectful, but also more likely to help children become thoughtful people.
The reason that praise can work in the short term is because kids crave our approval. But we are faced with a responsibility: not to use this dependence for our own convenience. "Well done!" just an example of how this phrase makes our life easier, but at the same time we take advantage of our children's dependence on praise. Children also feel that this is manipulation, although they cannot explain how it works.
2. Creation of "commendable" addicts.
Of course, not all praise is designed to control children's behavior. Sometimes we praise children simply because we are happy about their actions. However, even though praise sometimes works, you need to take a close look at it. Rather than reinforcing a child's self-esteem, praise can make them more dependent on us. The more we say: "I like the way you ...", or "Well done ...", the less they learn to form their own judgments, and the more children get used to relying only on our assessments, on our opinions about What is good and what is bad. All this leads to a one-sided assessment of their words by children. Only those who make us smile or get our approval will be considered faithful.
Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, found that students who were lavishly praised by their teachers were less confident in their answers and more inclined to use interrogative intonation in their voices. ("Um, seven?"). They tended to retreat quickly from their ideas as soon as adults disagreed with them. They were less likely to be persistent in solving difficult problems and to share their ideas with other students.
In short, "Well done!" does not convince children of anything, and ultimately makes them more vulnerable. There may even be a vicious circle: the more we praise, the more the children will need it, so we will praise them even more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow up to be adults who will also need someone to pat them on the head and tell them they did it right. Of course, we do not want such a future for our daughters and sons.
3. Stealing children's pleasure.
Along with the fact that addiction can arise, there is another problem: the child deserves the right to receive pleasure from his own achievements, to feel pride in what he has learned to do. In addition, he deserves the right to independently choose how to feel. After all, every time we say "Well done!", We tell the child what he should count and how to feel.
Конечно, бывают случаи, когда наши оценки к месту, и наше управление необходимо (особенно малышам и дошкольникам). Но постоянный поток оценочных суждений не является ни полезным, ни необходимым для детского развития. К сожалению, мы так до конца и не поняли, что "Молодец!" является точно такой же оценкой, как и "Ай-ай-ай, как плохо!". Наиболее характерным признаком позитивного суждения является не то, что оно позитивное, а то, что оно суждение. А люди, в том числе и дети, не любят, когда их судят.
I dearly love the moments when my daughter succeeds in doing something for the first time, or when she does something better than she has ever done before. But I try not to succumb to the "unconditioned reflex" and don't say "Well done!" Because I don't want to diminish her joy. I want her to be happy with me, and not look at me, trying to see my verdict. I want her to exclaim "I did it!" (which she often does) instead of hesitantly asking me, "How's it going? Okay?"
4. Loss of interest.
From Well Drawn! children can turn out who will draw only as long as we watch (as they draw) and praise. As, warns Lillian Katz, one of the experts in the field of preschool education, "children will only do something as long as we pay attention to it." Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for what they do, the more they will lose interest in what they will have to do in order to receive the reward. And now we are not talking about reading, drawing, thinking and creativity, now we are talking about a good person, and whether ice cream, stickers or "Well done!" contribute to its creation.
A disturbing study by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto showed that small children, who were often praised for being generous, tended to be slightly less generous in their daily lives than other children. Every time they heard “Well done for changing” or “I'm so proud that you are helping people,” they become less and less interested in sharing or helping. Generosity came to be seen not as an act of value in itself, but as a way to get the attention of an adult again. She became a means to an end.
Does praise motivate children? Of course. She motivates children to receive praise. Alas, often at the expense of love for the action, which eventually drew praise.
5. The number of achievements decreases.
"Well done!" can not only slowly erode independence, pleasure and interest, it can also interfere with a child's job well. Scientists have found that children who are praised for completing a creative assignment tend to be blocked from completing the next hard assignment. Children who were not praised after completing the first task did not experience these difficulties.
Why is this happening? This is partly because there is pressure on the child to "keep doing good," which is what gets in the way of the creative task. The next reason is a decrease in interest in what they are doing. And also children stop taking risks, an obligatory element of creativity: once they start thinking about how parents would continue to speak well about them, they will continue to do so.
In general, "Well done!" is a relic of a trend in psychology that reduces a person's entire life to visible and measurable behavior. Unfortunately, this approach ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that underlie behavior. For example, a child might share a sandwich with a friend for a variety of reasons: because he wants to be praised, or because he doesn't want the other child to starve.
In praising what he shared, we ignore the variety of driving motives. Worse, it's a working way to make a child a praise hunter someday.
One day you will begin to see praise for what it is (and what happens because of it), and if after that, you see even the slightest evaluative expectation hatching from your parents, it will make the same impression on you as scratching your nails on school board. You will start rooting for the child and, in your own skin to give teachers and parents a taste of your own flattery, turn to them and say (in the same sweet voice), "Well done, you praised!"
However, this habit is not easy to get rid of. Stopping praising children may seem strange, at least at first; the thought may arise that you are becoming dry and prim, or that you are constantly holding yourself back from something. But soon it dawns on us: we begin to praise more, only because we have a need to say it, and not because children need to hear it. Whenever you realize that this is the case, you need to reconsider your actions.
What children really need is unconditional support and unconditional love. This is not just something completely different from praise, it is the opposite of praise. "Well done!" - this condition. And we refuse attention, recognition and approval so that our children jump through the hoop and strive to do things that bring us pleasure.
This point of view, as you have already noticed, is very different from criticism directed towards people who give many and easily approvals to children. Their recommendation is that we become more stingy with praise and require children to "deserve" it. But the real problem is not that kids expect to be praised all day long for everything they do. The problem is that we are provoked into labeling and managing children with rewards instead of explaining them and helping them develop the necessary skills and build self-esteem.
So what is the alternative? It all depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say in return, it is necessary to offer something related to real affection and love, specifically for the child, rather than for his affairs. When unconditional support enters our lives, without "Well done!" it will already be possible to get by; and when she is not yet, "Well done!" help and will not be able to.
If we calculate with the help of praise for a good deed, to make the child stop behaving badly, then we must understand that this is unlikely to work for a long time. And even if it works, we really won't be able to determine whether the child is "in control of himself" now, or it would be more accurate to say that it is praise that controls his behavior. An alternative to this is classes with the child, finding out the possible reasons for this behavior. We may have to rethink our own requirements, and not just find a way to get children to obey. (Instead of using the word “Well done!” To make the 4-year-old sit quietly throughout the class or family dinner, perhaps you should ask yourself if it is reasonable to expect this behavior from a child.)
We also need children to participate in decision making. If a child does something that interferes with others, then you need to sit next to him and ask: "Do you think we can find a way out of this difficult situation?" It will probably be much more effective than threats or bribes. This method will also help your child learn to cope with problems and show him how important his thoughts and feelings are to us. Of course, this process takes time, talent and courage. When the child behaves according to our expectations, we throw him: "Well done!" And it doesn't contain anything to help explain why "do to" is a much more popular strategy than "work on."
And what can we say to a child when he does something really impressive? Let's consider three possible options:
* Speak less, ask more.
Questions are even preferable to describing what you see. Why not ask your child what he thinks about his drawing, instead of talking about which part of the drawing impressed you the most? Asking "Which part of the drawing was the most difficult?" or "How did you guess what size to draw a foot?" you will likely fuel his interest in drawing. Saying "Well done!", As we found out, you can get the exact opposite effect.
This does not mean that all compliments, all gratitude, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to be aware of what drives us when we put this or that meaning into our words (a sincere expression of delight is preferable to a strong desire to control the future behavior of our child) as well as what effect we are going to achieve ... Do our reactions help the child feel in control of his life, or will he constantly look back at us for support? Do they help him to rejoice more in the knowledge that everything he does is exactly what he needs, or turn him into something that wants only one thing - to be patted on the head.
Many books and articles have been written about the need to be against violence and to refuse punishment, from flogging, from isolation ("time-out"). Sometimes there will even be those who ask us to think again before using stickers and delicious food as bribery. And you will also see how difficult it is to find those who can say a word against what is decency called positive reinforcement.
To avoid misunderstandings, let's immediately decide that the article in no way questions the importance of supporting and approving children, the need to love them, hug them and help them gain good self-esteem. Praise, however, is a completely different story. That's why.
1. Manipulation of children.
Suppose you praise a 2 year old for not spilling soup, or a 5 year old for taking away his arts. Who will benefit from this? Perhaps the word "Well done!" more about our convenience than about the emotional needs of children?
Rheta DeVries, professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, calls this "sweetened control." Is very similar. Notable rewards, like punishment, are a way to make sure children live up to our expectations. This tactic can be effective in achieving a specific outcome (at least temporarily), but it is very different from working with children, (for example, by engaging them in a conversation about what makes class (or family) responsibilities easier), or about how other people are suffering from what we did or what we didn't. ”The latter approach is not only more respectful, but also more likely to help children become thoughtful people.
The reason that praise can work in the short term is because kids crave our approval. But we are faced with a responsibility: not to use this dependence for our own convenience. "Well done!" just an example of how this phrase makes our life easier, but at the same time we take advantage of our children's dependence on praise. Children also feel that this is manipulation, although they cannot explain how it works.
2. Creation of "commendable" addicts.
Of course, not all praise is designed to control children's behavior. Sometimes we praise children simply because we are happy about their actions. However, even though praise sometimes works, you need to take a close look at it. Rather than reinforcing a child's self-esteem, praise can make them more dependent on us. The more we say: "I like the way you ...", or "Well done ...", the less they learn to form their own judgments, and the more children get used to relying only on our assessments, on our opinions about What is good and what is bad. All this leads to a one-sided assessment of their words by children. Only those who make us smile or get our approval will be considered faithful.
Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, found that students who were lavishly praised by their teachers were less confident in their answers and more inclined to use interrogative intonation in their voices. ("Um, seven?"). They tended to retreat quickly from their ideas as soon as adults disagreed with them. They were less likely to be persistent in solving difficult problems and to share their ideas with other students.
In short, "Well done!" does not convince children of anything, and ultimately makes them more vulnerable. There may even be a vicious circle: the more we praise, the more the children will need it, so we will praise them even more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow up to be adults who will also need someone to pat them on the head and tell them they did it right. Of course, we do not want such a future for our daughters and sons.
3. Stealing children's pleasure.
Along with the fact that addiction can arise, there is another problem: the child deserves the right to receive pleasure from his own achievements, to feel pride in what he has learned to do. In addition, he deserves the right to independently choose how to feel. After all, every time we say "Well done!", We tell the child what he should count and how to feel.
Конечно, бывают случаи, когда наши оценки к месту, и наше управление необходимо (особенно малышам и дошкольникам). Но постоянный поток оценочных суждений не является ни полезным, ни необходимым для детского развития. К сожалению, мы так до конца и не поняли, что "Молодец!" является точно такой же оценкой, как и "Ай-ай-ай, как плохо!". Наиболее характерным признаком позитивного суждения является не то, что оно позитивное, а то, что оно суждение. А люди, в том числе и дети, не любят, когда их судят.
I dearly love the moments when my daughter succeeds in doing something for the first time, or when she does something better than she has ever done before. But I try not to succumb to the "unconditioned reflex" and don't say "Well done!" Because I don't want to diminish her joy. I want her to be happy with me, and not look at me, trying to see my verdict. I want her to exclaim "I did it!" (which she often does) instead of hesitantly asking me, "How's it going? Okay?"
4. Loss of interest.
From Well Drawn! children can turn out who will draw only as long as we watch (as they draw) and praise. As, warns Lillian Katz, one of the experts in the field of preschool education, "children will only do something as long as we pay attention to it." Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for what they do, the more they will lose interest in what they will have to do in order to receive the reward. And now we are not talking about reading, drawing, thinking and creativity, now we are talking about a good person, and whether ice cream, stickers or "Well done!" contribute to its creation.
A disturbing study by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto showed that small children, who were often praised for being generous, tended to be slightly less generous in their daily lives than other children. Every time they heard “Well done for changing” or “I'm so proud that you are helping people,” they become less and less interested in sharing or helping. Generosity came to be seen not as an act of value in itself, but as a way to get the attention of an adult again. She became a means to an end.
Does praise motivate children? Of course. She motivates children to receive praise. Alas, often at the expense of love for the action, which eventually drew praise.
5. The number of achievements decreases.
"Well done!" can not only slowly erode independence, pleasure and interest, it can also interfere with a child's job well. Scientists have found that children who are praised for completing a creative assignment tend to be blocked from completing the next hard assignment. Children who were not praised after completing the first task did not experience these difficulties.
Why is this happening? This is partly because there is pressure on the child to "keep doing good," which is what gets in the way of the creative task. The next reason is a decrease in interest in what they are doing. And also children stop taking risks, an obligatory element of creativity: once they start thinking about how parents would continue to speak well about them, they will continue to do so.
In general, "Well done!" is a relic of a trend in psychology that reduces a person's entire life to visible and measurable behavior. Unfortunately, this approach ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that underlie behavior. For example, a child might share a sandwich with a friend for a variety of reasons: because he wants to be praised, or because he doesn't want the other child to starve.
In praising what he shared, we ignore the variety of driving motives. Worse, it's a working way to make a child a praise hunter someday.
One day you will begin to see praise for what it is (and what happens because of it), and if after that, you see even the slightest evaluative expectation hatching from your parents, it will make the same impression on you as scratching your nails on school board. You will start rooting for the child and, in your own skin to give teachers and parents a taste of your own flattery, turn to them and say (in the same sweet voice), "Well done, you praised!"
However, this habit is not easy to get rid of. Stopping praising children may seem strange, at least at first; the thought may arise that you are becoming dry and prim, or that you are constantly holding yourself back from something. But soon it dawns on us: we begin to praise more, only because we have a need to say it, and not because children need to hear it. Whenever you realize that this is the case, you need to reconsider your actions.
What children really need is unconditional support and unconditional love. This is not just something completely different from praise, it is the opposite of praise. "Well done!" - this condition. And we refuse attention, recognition and approval so that our children jump through the hoop and strive to do things that bring us pleasure.
This point of view, as you have already noticed, is very different from criticism directed towards people who give many and easily approvals to children. Their recommendation is that we become more stingy with praise and require children to "deserve" it. But the real problem is not that kids expect to be praised all day long for everything they do. The problem is that we are provoked into labeling and managing children with rewards instead of explaining them and helping them develop the necessary skills and build self-esteem.
So what is the alternative? It all depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say in return, it is necessary to offer something related to real affection and love, specifically for the child, rather than for his affairs. When unconditional support enters our lives, without "Well done!" it will already be possible to get by; and when she is not yet, "Well done!" help and will not be able to.
If we calculate with the help of praise for a good deed, to make the child stop behaving badly, then we must understand that this is unlikely to work for a long time. And even if it works, we really won't be able to determine whether the child is "in control of himself" now, or it would be more accurate to say that it is praise that controls his behavior. An alternative to this is classes with the child, finding out the possible reasons for this behavior. We may have to rethink our own requirements, and not just find a way to get children to obey. (Instead of using the word “Well done!” To make the 4-year-old sit quietly throughout the class or family dinner, perhaps you should ask yourself if it is reasonable to expect this behavior from a child.)
We also need children to participate in decision making. If a child does something that interferes with others, then you need to sit next to him and ask: "Do you think we can find a way out of this difficult situation?" It will probably be much more effective than threats or bribes. This method will also help your child learn to cope with problems and show him how important his thoughts and feelings are to us. Of course, this process takes time, talent and courage. When the child behaves according to our expectations, we throw him: "Well done!" And it doesn't contain anything to help explain why "do to" is a much more popular strategy than "work on."
And what can we say to a child when he does something really impressive? Let's consider three possible options:
- We will not say anything.
- Some people think that good behavior must be “reinforced” because deep down they believe it might just be a lucky coincidence. If children are inherently evil, then yes, in order to become good, they need an artificial cause (namely, receiving a verbal reward). But if this cynicism is not justified (and many studies show that it is), then praise is not so necessary.
- Say what you see. A simple, non-judgmental statement (“You put on the shoe yourself” or even “You did it”) will show the child that you noticed it. It will also make him proud of what he has done. Also, in some cases, it makes sense to describe in more detail what you saw. If your child is painting a picture, you can give them (non-judgmental) feedback on what you see: "What huge mountains!" "Oh, how you used a lot of purple paint today!"
* Speak less, ask more.
Questions are even preferable to describing what you see. Why not ask your child what he thinks about his drawing, instead of talking about which part of the drawing impressed you the most? Asking "Which part of the drawing was the most difficult?" or "How did you guess what size to draw a foot?" you will likely fuel his interest in drawing. Saying "Well done!", As we found out, you can get the exact opposite effect.
This does not mean that all compliments, all gratitude, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to be aware of what drives us when we put this or that meaning into our words (a sincere expression of delight is preferable to a strong desire to control the future behavior of our child) as well as what effect we are going to achieve ... Do our reactions help the child feel in control of his life, or will he constantly look back at us for support? Do they help him to rejoice more in the knowledge that everything he does is exactly what he needs, or turn him into something that wants only one thing - to be patted on the head.
